I’m really not sure where to go with this anymore. I’ve been stuck at home now for 2 1/2 months since leaving the hospital, and even though I have as much mobility as normal, I just don’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Fuck, I missed out on all the July 1 experiences this year because I just had no desire to get out there.
I’ll grant you, I’m an introvert by nature, but still…having this IV and drain thing carries as much a stigma with it as it does it’s physical presence. I’m constantly aware of the weight of the pump and bag around my neck, and if I move a certain way the sutures holding the drain to my body begin to pull…not fun. Oh, and let’s not forget the side effects of all those antibiotics on my digestive system. Not to get into too much detail, but the last time I had a condition like this it was self-inflicted as a result of too many tacos one night.
I feel like I’m of two minds on a lot of this. Part of me wants to go out and socialize with folks, but another just wants to keep me locked away, staring at my computer screen all day and all night. Part of it is a lack of self-confidence, but the other is the feeling like I’m the 5th wheel or something…as though I’m allowed to tag along as some kind of pity date. I know that’s not the case in reality, but the mind works in mysterious ways.
The silence can be deafening sometimes. I’ll have days where I miss the passive knowledge of someone else in the house who might talk to me, even if it was that one roommate who just specialized in creeping everyone out. The potential for conversation was enough that you could not feel alone with only your thoughts to keep you company. I’m not saying I want another roommate except for my girlfriend, but sometimes I miss that social interaction. That’s probably why I’m anxious to be done this treatment so I can get back to the office and some sense of normalcy with respect to my life.
My original band-wagon of staying away from so-called YouTube ‘skeptics’ has also disintegrated for now. I’ve been inundating myself with videos from shit-posters as they try their best to counter the claims and accusations of the radical left, SJW’s, and the like while still fighting among themselves each time a gaff is made. It’s more of a spectator sport to me now, bereft of any emotional investment save a morbid fascination watching some of these guys whittle their lives away on things over which they have no conscious control. If you look at the dates on some of the videos by these guys, they’ve been at this for years and let’s face it: nothing has really changed.
That’s really what I take away from all of it now: it’s just entertainment. It’s a bunch of kids on the Internet pretending to be politicians, journalists, scientists, what have you. It’s all a gigantic game of Let’s Pretend where the loudest screeching voices get heard, everyone has their own clubhouse, and no one is out there to check their behavior.
Ok, maybe a few things have changed, and not necessarily for the better. I see a lot of news now about universities being taken over by the radical left, demanding special treatment, segregation, and the resignation of any professor who disagrees with them. What’s worse is the fact that the upper echelons of the administration are actually capitulating to these people and giving them free run of the campus. Evergreen College is a prime example. My only consolation on this is when these dipshits finally make it out into the real world, the reality check on these guys is going to be deliciously tragic. Not everyone can make money on YouTube, and from what I’ve seen of some of these folks, MTV wouldn’t give them the time of day.
I guess that’s my take on a lot of this. Sure, this is the next generation of workers; the inheritors of the world, but on the global scale, are they really that significant? Do we have enough students coming up through the STEM fields to keep our technology going? It’s easy to draw our focus to these leftist blemishes on our campuses, but I’m not sure if they’re a true representation of the whole. I mean Evergreen’s a bit of an extreme example based on what I’ve heard, but that’s one college. Surely there must be others where this stuff is marginal at best. If that’s the case, let them have their tantrums and deal with reality when it comes. Let those who truly wish to make the world a better place do so.
Some might accuse me of closing myself off from the world and ignoring the threats out there. They’re probably right, but all I need to do is look at the PICC line in my arm and the drain in my gut, and I feel pretty good about my priorities. Sure, I may want to get back out there and contribute my own voice to the tide of reason, but in a physical sense I have other things to think about right now. I need to get my own shit together before I’m ready to get back to the front and do…well…whatever it is I do.
As of this posting, I have nine more days until my next check-in with Out-Patient services. Hopefully this next visit will be my last. We’ll see…