Tomorrow it’ll be Christmas. I remember the days when it felt like the whole world was exhaling on that day. The quiet around my home town, all shrouded in white. The smell of 50:1 fuel in the snowmobiles as my brother and his friends sped around. The somewhat bland but no less delicious turkey dinner. The chocolates we’d only ever see around Christmas time. The thick smell of Chanel No. 5 that my Mom used to wear when we’d all go out dressed in our best for some party or something. I used to love this time of year when I was younger.
No, this isn’t going to be some whine-fest about the holidays. However, in the intervening years a lot has changed. I don’t live in my home town anymore, I’m single, and family’s not as connected as it used to be. It’s actually kind of sad that the only time this family ever really pulled together was when I was in the hospital. Even then there were those I could count on, and those I couldn’t. Now that I’m out of the woods we’re all back to our lives as they were before.
This has been a year of healing for me, mostly after the surgery and also recovering from a break-up. My ‘wife’ and I are no longer together, and I’ll admit it was mostly my fault. She was going through some tough times and while I didn’t make light of them, I did kind of shut myself away because I was in the middle of moving from a rental to a condo. I had a few things on my mind and sorry, your normal brand of stress that came with living in America was too much. So yeah…she’s still working her way through things, and I’m doing the same. I’m sad that it didn’t work out, but at the same time, I wish her well.
Looking back on this year, I’ll be honest: I want this one so far back in my rear-view that it’ll take 2 years of regression therapy for me to remember any of it. The surgery…the recovery…the pain of basically losing myself for 4 months. I don’t know what PTSD feels like, but if it’s anything like what I went through, no thanks.
I know why we all make resolutions each year: we think that with a new year should come a fresh start for us…a chance to right our past wrongs and hopefully see ourselves as an improved model over the previous year. It doesn’t always work like that, sadly, and we find ourselves a year older and often not much more than that to show. Comfort and the desire to relax often overrides what we thought was willpower and ambition. After all, improvement takes effort, doesn’t it?
I think my biggest resolution this year is to stay out of the hospital short of regular check-ups. I’m done with hospital food, hospital life, and hospitals in general. I’ve seen too much of them to ever really want to go back. Of course, no one wants to be a patient. We’re not there willingly, are we?
I do hope that this year is more prosperous for me though, and for my friends/loved ones. I think I speak for everyone when I say this year can’t be over fast enough. I won’t really have much to look back upon this year, except to say I survived.